Autism Spectrum Disorder: Moderate Autism Type III

I've known for a while now that I'm going to have more good days than bad days here on the moon. I understand this, and have excepted it for the most part. However, I hope I never have a day like I had today ever again. Today was not a good day, it would definitely fit in the "bad day" category.

We got the report back from Autism Therapy Services that Desmond is officially diagnosed. He has Autism Spectrum Disorder: Moderate Autism Type III. It's not like this is anything new, or anything we haven't heard, but it is official. My baby is officially autistic. There's something about seeing it on paper, reading it on an official form, it just broke my heart. I understand that it could definitely be worse, he doesn't have cancer, he doesn't need life threatening surgery, but I still feel this weight of grief! It's so hard when a professional in the field of autism confirms what you see everyday, and then labels it. Autism.
Marshall has said that the hardest part for him with all of this is not being able to talk with Desmond, know what he's thinking, teach him new words, things like that. For me, it's been the unknown. It's been like walking in a dark tunnel with no flashlight, no moon, no light at the end of the tunnel, just darkness; hoping that if you keep taking one step forward that you won't fall in a pit full of man eating spiders. It also feels like the life I thought we'd have is slipping through my hands like sand. I'm desperately trying to keep a hold of it, but the more I try to grab the more it slips through my fingers. Will Desmond ever talk? What will it look like when he starts school? Is he going to be able to make friends? Will he be that boy who sits alone at school because he's different? I could easily be filled with so much sorrow just getting caught up in those trains of thought. Even in this mist of darkness, sadness, disappointment, I can hold on to one thing. My testimony.
I know that there is a God. I know that He knows all things and has a plan for me. I know that I may never understand why Desmond has autism, but He does. I kept thinking over and over today how grateful I was for my faith, because I wouldn't like to imagine going through this trial without it. I know that it's okay to have really bad days like today. I know it's heart breaking that Desmond has autism. I also know that it's going to be okay. I know this because in the storm of uncertainty that I have felt the past 6 months, the only thing I have been able to hold on to in the sand of my life right now, is my Rock, my Redeemer. I know that Jesus Christ loves me and has felt my sorrow. I know that He has felt my pain. I know that He would not give me a trial that I could not endure. I know He would not give me a trial and then leave me alone. He will be by my side, my Marshall, my family, my friends, they will all be here to support me and will make my burdens light.
We will find joy in this journey; maybe not today, and that's okay. I may have more questions, doubts, fears than I do happiness, answers, and determination right now. What I do have is more important; Marshall, Desmond, family, faith, and a Savior. I am so grateful that this is what I have now, and I know everything else will come.

Crazy Week and Hoping for the Better

I feel like this week was really long! A lot seemed to happen this week on the moon; one of them being this:

I wouldn't suggest to anyone when trying to open a stubborn lid to use a kitchen knife to pry it open. (Insert eye-roll here) This cut landed me 5 stitches and it's made being a Mommy a bit difficult here on the moon. Marshall has been amazing though. He's been picking up my slack and helping me out a bunch this week!
Desmond had his ABA session yesterday and a session with his sensory therapist the day before. It was a lot of the same this week, doing activities that get him to interact. Rachel brought a bubble machine this week and Desmond LOVED IT!!! That is going to be a great reward for him! I think the biggest news of this weeks is Des is consistently signing for "more" and is signing without any kind of prompt from us! YES!!! VICTORY!! Now that he's able to do this on his own, we can move on to other signs like "food", "drink", "up", "down", "all done", things like that! We're hoping to see more signing from him in the future.
On a low note...for whatever reason, Desmond was WIDE AWAKE at midnight last night. He then proceeded to be WIDE AWAKE until 6:00 am this morning! Needless to say, yesterday was the longest night of my life! When things like this happen I can't help but think, "Is his autism getting worse?" I mean you hear the horror stories from mothers whose autistic children don't sleep at night. Is that going to be Des? I know I can't expect the worst after just one bad night, but I can't help it sometimes. It's hard to separate "normal behavior" from "is this a symptom of autism" sometimes. Whenever he does something out of the ordinary I can't help but think, "Is this normal?" "Should he be doing that?"
I know we had one miserable night, but I'm hoping tonight will be better. We hope for the better! Because sometimes that's all you can do...that and taking a big nap. Those together have always done wonders for me!