We got the report back from Autism Therapy Services that Desmond is officially diagnosed. He has Autism Spectrum Disorder: Moderate Autism Type III. It's not like this is anything new, or anything we haven't heard, but it is official. My baby is officially autistic. There's something about seeing it on paper, reading it on an official form, it just broke my heart. I understand that it could definitely be worse, he doesn't have cancer, he doesn't need life threatening surgery, but I still feel this weight of grief! It's so hard when a professional in the field of autism confirms what you see everyday, and then labels it. Autism.
Marshall has said that the hardest part for him with all of this is not being able to talk with Desmond, know what he's thinking, teach him new words, things like that. For me, it's been the unknown. It's been like walking in a dark tunnel with no flashlight, no moon, no light at the end of the tunnel, just darkness; hoping that if you keep taking one step forward that you won't fall in a pit full of man eating spiders. It also feels like the life I thought we'd have is slipping through my hands like sand. I'm desperately trying to keep a hold of it, but the more I try to grab the more it slips through my fingers. Will Desmond ever talk? What will it look like when he starts school? Is he going to be able to make friends? Will he be that boy who sits alone at school because he's different? I could easily be filled with so much sorrow just getting caught up in those trains of thought. Even in this mist of darkness, sadness, disappointment, I can hold on to one thing. My testimony.
I know that there is a God. I know that He knows all things and has a plan for me. I know that I may never understand why Desmond has autism, but He does. I kept thinking over and over today how grateful I was for my faith, because I wouldn't like to imagine going through this trial without it. I know that it's okay to have really bad days like today. I know it's heart breaking that Desmond has autism. I also know that it's going to be okay. I know this because in the storm of uncertainty that I have felt the past 6 months, the only thing I have been able to hold on to in the sand of my life right now, is my Rock, my Redeemer. I know that Jesus Christ loves me and has felt my sorrow. I know that He has felt my pain. I know that He would not give me a trial that I could not endure. I know He would not give me a trial and then leave me alone. He will be by my side, my Marshall, my family, my friends, they will all be here to support me and will make my burdens light.
We will find joy in this journey; maybe not today, and that's okay. I may have more questions, doubts, fears than I do happiness, answers, and determination right now. What I do have is more important; Marshall, Desmond, family, faith, and a Savior. I am so grateful that this is what I have now, and I know everything else will come.
Marshall has said that the hardest part for him with all of this is not being able to talk with Desmond, know what he's thinking, teach him new words, things like that. For me, it's been the unknown. It's been like walking in a dark tunnel with no flashlight, no moon, no light at the end of the tunnel, just darkness; hoping that if you keep taking one step forward that you won't fall in a pit full of man eating spiders. It also feels like the life I thought we'd have is slipping through my hands like sand. I'm desperately trying to keep a hold of it, but the more I try to grab the more it slips through my fingers. Will Desmond ever talk? What will it look like when he starts school? Is he going to be able to make friends? Will he be that boy who sits alone at school because he's different? I could easily be filled with so much sorrow just getting caught up in those trains of thought. Even in this mist of darkness, sadness, disappointment, I can hold on to one thing. My testimony.
I know that there is a God. I know that He knows all things and has a plan for me. I know that I may never understand why Desmond has autism, but He does. I kept thinking over and over today how grateful I was for my faith, because I wouldn't like to imagine going through this trial without it. I know that it's okay to have really bad days like today. I know it's heart breaking that Desmond has autism. I also know that it's going to be okay. I know this because in the storm of uncertainty that I have felt the past 6 months, the only thing I have been able to hold on to in the sand of my life right now, is my Rock, my Redeemer. I know that Jesus Christ loves me and has felt my sorrow. I know that He has felt my pain. I know that He would not give me a trial that I could not endure. I know He would not give me a trial and then leave me alone. He will be by my side, my Marshall, my family, my friends, they will all be here to support me and will make my burdens light.
We will find joy in this journey; maybe not today, and that's okay. I may have more questions, doubts, fears than I do happiness, answers, and determination right now. What I do have is more important; Marshall, Desmond, family, faith, and a Savior. I am so grateful that this is what I have now, and I know everything else will come.
Hi Taylor
ReplyDeleteI don't know whether to be sorry or happy for your news about Desmond but I once heard a story. i dont know if you have heard it but here goes.
There was a little girl who went to the garden centre with her Grandmother to choose a plant for her mothers birthday.
There were two that the little girl loved. A big green one with no petals but the pot was beautiful. It was blue with bright orange shapes and it kind of stood out. The other one was the prettiest shade of pink. it's petals were perfectly formed and it shined in the sunlight, but...it's pot was broken.
The little girl explained to her Grandmother that she was going to get the big green plant with the perfect pot for her mother.
The little girls Grandmother stooped down to the little girl and looked her in the eye. She said..
Our heavenly Father thought that the beautiful pink flower didnt need a perfect pot because it's beauty shines regardless.
Isn't this how our spirits are??
Desmond doesn't need a perfect 'pot', because the Lord has a plan that will make him shine and be recognised for the beautiful soul that he is and what he will become.
I know times will be hard, as it is with ALL children.
I wish you joy and happiness for your family ... i miss you..
you will never know the impact of the change you made to my life
with love
tracy shephard x