The Ramblings of this Autism Mommy

Call it what you will, ramblings, worries, pregnancy brain, whatever; this Autism Mommy has got to get it off her chest.

I've always found such comfort in writing my feelings down; whether on paper or in a word document. Writing in a journal has always been a big part of my life. I've written books and books filled with my thoughts and feelings over the years. One of the biggest reasons I even started this blog was to have a safe place that I could put my thoughts and feelings out in the universe, and hopefully off of my mind. Today is the day where I've got to write some of my worries down in hopes that they'll ease my heart.

I have such a love hate relationship with the internet when it comes to the world of Autism. Today was the first day that I actually sat down and read the recent studies on 'Siblings with Autism'. Now that we're having a boy it makes this subject all too real for me. I don't know what it is about today, but it just hit me like a brick that we have a very good chance of having a second ASD child, especially since we're having a boy. All the research I did today had a consistent percentage; 26%. We have a 26% chance of our boy having Autism, and we are at an increased risk because our first born has Autism.
There are so many feelings I have knowing this; fear, guilt, anxiety, stress, frustration, anger, pressure, responsibility, mostly fear and guilt. Fear of the unknown is a real thing. We have no idea if this little boy kicking me all day has autism. Will he develop it in the womb? Do we have the genetic markers? Or is it environmental? Is there something I'm doing, eating, using right now that is giving our little boy autism right now? Why isn't there a specific reason for what causes Autism? Why do I feel so entitled to these answers? Then there's the guilt. I do feel guilty that I don't want another child with Autism, and I know I shouldn't feel that way. I love our sweet Desmond just the same with or without autism. I love him so much and would do anything for him, but then there's the guilt that I wish more for him. What is he going to be like when he gets close to pre-school and then kindergarten age? Are we doing everything we can to help him beat the odds? Is all the therapy we're doing going to be enough? But why am I so intent on trying to make him into something he just might not be capable of? Will this be the same for our next son?

So much worry. So much fear. So many unanswered questions. 

What now?

Right now my answer is to keep on keepin' on. Right now I am going to put my boy to bed and hope that he sleeps through the night. I'll pick up the house since it's easier to clean when you don't have a toddler messing things up as you go. I'm going to snuggle up to my hubby and hope that I can get some sleep too. I'll lie in bed still in hopes that our little boy will kick me and punch me good, letting me know he's there and loves me too. I'll do all of this because that's all I can do. All I can do is to do my best in the area's of my life I can control. I can control my choices, I can control my attitude, I can control the type of person I'm trying to be.  In a sea of uncertainty all  I can do is my best and try to except that my best is enough. I love my husband, I love my Desmond, I love this sweet boy in my belly, I love them all more than I could ever try to describe. 

Now I will go put my Desmond to sleep. I will sing him his favorite song 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"....

Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star

How I wonder what you are.

Up above the world so high,

Like a diamond in the sky.

Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,

How I wonder what you are.

How I wonder what you are my little boy...